Let’s talk parenting and punishment.
Just pause for a moment and really pay attention to what the words parenting and punishment feel like inside your body?
Are you instantly transported to a younger, possibly scared or embarrassed version of yourself?
Did those feelings then begin to feel like confusion, and like a strike against your young self?
Are you able to recall the lesson that you were expected to learn as a result?
In your opinion, was the reason for the punishment, warranted?
As with most things, there will be some exceptions to what is being offered as an alternative (especially if safety is a concern), but typically “punishment” is neither necessary nor warranted.
So, what is the alternative?
Drumroll please…
Natural Consequences.
Loosely defined, a natural consequence is what your child would experience as a result of their behaviour, with no adult interference. The natural consequence then, is imposed by nature, society, or another person who is directly involved.
Sounds simple, right?
Just sit back, and let them figure life out…
Kind of but not exactly.
When we let things unfold naturally, and become curious of the actions and outcome, we can get to the underlying reason for the behaviour. To do this, you must practice feeling comfortable in the presence of big – often mislabelled as uncomfortable – emotion.
And that’s what makes it so tricky. The accompanying big emotions activate our sometimes dormant, triggers. And, let’s face it – sometimes it is the behaviour itself that can act as the trigger, like feeling disrespected because your child has chosen to go against your advice.
The use of natural consequences asks that we acknowledge our children as beings in and of themselves – and not as extensions of ourselves. It requires us to be realistic in our expectations of our children.
This way of parenting also asks us to recognize emotions as part of the way our species process things – instead of as something that needs ‘fixing’ or help. For example, your child sneaks a toy to school, it gets damaged or lost, and they come to you upset. How do you respond?
Well, let’s briefly look at the all the parts of this situation.
They were sneaky, so a conversation about trust, but also getting to the why they were sneaky, is warranted – but not right this moment. The upset needs to pass before trying to hit them with logic.
They’ve come to you, because you’re their person, despite potentially being a little scared (since they were sneaky to begin with) – so we want to ensure that we encourage this connection, by actively listening and empathizing with how they feel.
They made a (not so great) choice to take this toy to school and now it’s unusable – this is the natural consequence to their action. And it sucks. Depending on their age, maybe you two brainstorm ways for them to earn a replacement – or not and this is just one of the hundreds of life lessons in their bag.
This exchange need not be an ooey gooey, mushy interaction. But it certainly beats the potential outcome of what might’ve been my default reaction, prior to changing the course of my relationship with my daughters.
I think my default would’ve sounded a little something like, “Well, you know better than to take your *fill in the blank* to school. Now it’s gone and this is why I tell you to keep your things at home, where they belong.” Depending on the day, I may have gone on for another couple minutes listing all the reasons why my kid was so wrong or so bad for taking the thing to school.
No compassion or connection, and no real learning.
Just shame and guilt, and definitely more of a ‘power over’ approach.
Needless to say, there are so many benefits to adopting an approach that uses natural consequences, that in those moments when it feels ‘hard’, it’s worth digging a little deeper to identify and remedy the why behind the hard feeling.
Here is a list of some of the ‘whys’ that have come up for me and some of my clients. Read through and see if you can relate.
- I was raised with time outs and sometimes worse. This is truly my default way of doing things
- It’s important that my kids know who’s boss, especially when we’re out in public
- I can’t listen to the crying and the noise longer than I have to
- It’s hard to know what the ‘natural consequence’ in some situations, should be
- I’m the parent - I’m in charge. (+control / power-over dynamic)
I still sometimes have my moments where I must take a minute (or two…or five) to figure out what the natural consequence should be to whatever situation either of my minions find us in. Sometimes, what helps is to ask yourself how you would approach the situation if you were speaking with a co-worker or friend. Say, your buddy Jerry tells you that he brought his favourite mug to work, and it somehow broke. How would you respond?
You likely wouldn’t lecture him about keeping his things at home, where they belong. Instead, you’d empathize, because something he cared about is broken – and we know that that sucks. We don’t personalize anything surrounding the situation, because we see Jerry as their own person, separate from us.
Our children need us to be able to do the same for them.
Focusing on natural consequences also allows our children to cultivate their foresight and trust their intuition. They can actually grow up knowing how to trust themselves… something so many of us end up needing to work on as adults.
And just because the word “consequence” is present, doesn’t mean that the outcome is necessarily a negative one.
The ‘consequence’ of taking a risk and trying out the monkey bars, can instil the feeling of pride and perseverance in the child, and increase the level of trust between you and them.
It is so important to reflect on the lens through which we parent and to really get curious around our emotions and reactions to the things our kids say and do. Our inner child, often takes hold of the wheel, especially in the face of a situation or interaction that feels like a blast from the past. This is true of any situation or interaction – not just those that involve our children.
And that’s why this work is so important. Loving on yourself, aligns you with your best self; and what we don’t heal we pass onto our kids. I’m here to help you along your way to your 2.0 self. If you would like to explore ways to work together, please send me an email at [email protected], indicating that you’d like to schedule a complimentary phone or virtual consult with me.
We got this!
